I Failed At Forgiveness

Tonight I failed. Tonight I came face to face with someone who tried to tear my world apart. I don’t even know how to describe what this woman attempted to do and how it has torn me apart, shattered so many relationships in my life and tested me to the core. Over the past year and a half, I have struggled with every emotion from hate to love, betrayal and grief. I have struggled with the concept of forgiveness.

I have forgiven a lot of things over the years. Tough things… Things that some people can’t understand how I could forgive. I could forgive because I could understand why they did what they did. I understand the boy who is unfaithful to his girlfriend (not saying it is okay but I can understand the immaturity of his decision). I understand the wife who can’t take the emotional and mental abuse of her husband anymore so she runs away with someone who promises to love her (not okay but you can see the motive). I have found it is easier to forgive when you can understand what the other person got out of the wrong-doing. What this woman did had no benefit to her what-so-ever. Her actions were out of hate and the result was a lot of pain and destruction. No one benefited from what she chose to do. I could even have an easier time forgiving if what she did was on a whim; a knee-jerk reaction to an emotional wound but she thought about it for days; planned it. I cannot wrap my head around hurting someone for the sake of hurting them. To me, that is evil.

Even though I have given up trying to understand her motive, I have tried to understand what forgiveness looks like in this situation. It wouldn’t be as easy as an apology and things would go back to the way they were before. But if I could let it go, be kind and not wish harm to come to her, would that be forgiveness? Maybe forgiveness is allowing my children to still know her to some degree if she were to change her behavior? Maybe forgiveness is when I can be in the same vicinity and not want to walk over and slug her… I really have spent a lot of time thinking about this and working through it. It has been a year and a half since “the incident” and I thought I was in a fairly good place. I had worked through my emotions and worked on forgiving as best as I could. During this time she has been less than kind and respectful but my husband reassured me he was dealing with her.

A few weeks ago, she told my husband she wanted to meet with the two of us and if we didn’t agree to that she would write us a letter. I was reluctant but thought, maybe she wanted to apologize and I didn’t want that to be in a letter. I wanted a chance to respond and honestly to tell her how much what she did hurt but that I forgave her. I also knew there was a possibility that this was not the case and she just wanted to play the victim in an attempt to get what she wanted. Either way, I thought I was prepared. I knew exactly where I stood when it came to her. I would listen and keep my mouth shut, only saying what I absolutely had to to make my position clear. I would not argue. I would not cry. I would not get angry. I had this.

When we showed up to the meeting, she told us that we were the ones who wanted to meet and that she had nothing to say. My husband reminded her of her message (which she denied) and then let it slide. He decided to bring up the fact that she had not respected the boundaries he had placed when it came to Christmas. She played innocent and he let it slide. I felt my heart start to race. This was how he was “handling” things this past year and a half?!?! No wonder she didn’t respect him. My hands got hot and my chest hurt… this was not okay. So I spoke. I stated my understanding of the boundary that was put in place and asked if I had missed something. The two of them disagreed. When I mentioned how she and her husband had been unkind to me and my husband she denied it. She said she had NEVER been unkind to either of us. That she has only ever loved us… Now I am sorry but when people start throwing the word LOVE around as if that will make everything okay regardless of the fact that they would have to change the definition for it to apply to this situation I get upset. Then I told her that making up lies about me and telling them to my family and friends so that I lose everyone close to me is not love. She sat there in front of me and with no remorse denied that she did anything wrong. That is when I failed. I told her where I stood (which was okay) but then I told her why. I told her that it was the consequence to her behavior. That history had shown she is self-serving, dishonest, manipulative, controlling, untrustworthy, irrational and evil. I then looked at my husband and told him that if he had anything else he needed to say he could stay but I would be out in the truck, I did not want to be there. I have never laid hands on someone but that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it. I cried the whole way home and then some. I had failed at the forgiveness thing. I could not be in the same room with her. I cannot be particularly kind (I mean “evil” isn’t the nicest… even if it is true). I did not keep my cool. I did not hold my tongue. And I was very, very angry. How do you forgive someone who has no remorse? Is it still forgiveness if you want nothing to do with this person for the rest of your life? I don’t know the answer. I just hope God sees that I am wrestling with this and trying.