The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done
They say that the right thing and the hard thing are often the same thing. I actually use this saying to help me determine the motivation behind my decisions. Recently I made a really difficult decision. A decision that took me out of my comfort zone and will change my life forever. It wasn’t an exciting decision like a job change or new house but a scary, heartbreaking decision of letting go. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Awhile back our shower started to leak. It was small and hardly noticeable. Only when all 5 of us showered in one day could you see water dripping from a pipe in the basement. We ignored it. A few months later there would be a puddle on the floor after one shower. We continued to ignore it and moved anything in the basement the water could affect. A few months later while I was showering, tile fell off the wall in the shower! I could see the wall behind the tile was saturated and soggy because of all the water over time. That night I told my husband we needed to fix the shower. The next day I came home to the missing tile being place back to where they had fallen from. I was upset. I couldn’t believe things had gotten this bad and he was still planning to ignore the problem. Then I realized that this is exactly what is happening in my marriage.
To be honest my marriage was awful from the very beginning. And while we kept going through the motions of everyday life in the same house, we ignored how bad our marriage had gotten. When I thought about my life and my future I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want a life of living a lie; loveless, resentful, and empty. I wanted to live in reality and make the best life that I can with what I have. That meant I needed to address the issues.
Like our shower, our marriage is so bad that we need to replace the whole thing. It will take an incredible amount of time and effort. The scary thing is that I don’t know that it can be fixed or that he is willing to do the work. Sitting down to talk with my husband about the state and future of our marriage was scary, yes. But sticking to my decision to do whatever it takes to live in reality is what was the hardest thing I’ve every done. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to cave and say “forget it, we can just keep going this way” because I didn’t want to hurt him or because I know he is moving out and may never come back. I just changed my family’s life and that is heavy. But the truth is, it was the right decision. I want a good marriage or no marriage. I want to be happy and content with my life and I can’t do that if I am being dishonest with myself and everyone in my life.
I am sharing this because I know there are many women who are in a bad marriage. Some may be contemplating doing what I did but are scared. Others may be at the place I am not knowing what will happen next; if we will have a marriage or if we will be divorced. I want you to know that you are not alone by any means, even though I know if feels that way. I want you to know that if you have separated because it was the right decision, even though it was that hardest one you’ve had to make, I am proud of you for your courage and your commitment to wanting a better life.
If you have made the hard decision and don’t know what to do next, I will be sharing my journey with you in hopes of helping you through this as well.
If you need someone to listen, feel free to email me your story. Sometime it helps to get it out of your head and out there. I am willing to listen because I have been where you are. Email me at beautifullyquaint@gmail.com with the subject “my story” also let me know if you would like a reply or if you would just like me to read it.
Remember, you are not alone and you are loved.
